


Against Yourself

by AllOfTheFanfic



Category: Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, not important oc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-11
Updated: 2016-04-25
Packaged: 2018-06-01 15:12:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6525331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllOfTheFanfic/pseuds/AllOfTheFanfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Magnus suffers from memories after he hurts Alec’s feeling badly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> More Malec angst! It’s not you OTP if you don’t have a ton of angsty AU’s I guess!  
> AU  
> Might get a part two, tell me if you want a happy ending.
> 
> I still suck at naming things, don’t judge me.  
> I really thought I posted this here.. And I noticed that some people want the second part, so I'm making this a two-piece.

  


_I hate you!_

He woke with a start. It’s been a week since the nightmares – _no, memories_ \- started. Rubbing a hand over his eyes he shifted to get up from bed. Slowly and quietly he got up, put on some pants and left the room, not waking the body in his bed.

Magnus groaned as he reached the sofa and sat down, burying his face in his hands. The memory replaying over and over again behind his closed eyelids. Blue hurt eyes were looking at him and the boy was almost shaking as he shouted the words “ _I hate you! How could you do that to me? You used me!_ ” and he could swear he saw tears as the dark haired boy turned around and left.

Magnus felt cold in his warm apartment. Those memories shouldn’t hurt as much as they did. He got what he wanted in the end, didn’t he?

He didn’t deny any of the accusations after all they were all true. He did use the younger boy just to get back at his ex, and maybe get back with him. And now he felt like shit for that. Guilt was eating at him, that’s probably why he kept seeing the hurt blue eyes. It couldn’t be anything else, they only dated for a month or so, surely there were no more feelings behind those nightmares.

Rubbing his face with a hand and raking his fingers through his hair (when had he gotten that habit?) Magnus stood up and went to get some coffee. It was early, only 6am, but it was obvious he won’t be getting any more sleep. _Again_. He left his coffee black (Why? That’s not you and you know it.) and drank it slowly, looking for some kind of comfort.

Chairman Meow joined him soon and Magnus started petting the small cat remembering something entirely else. An early morning like this, but a warm body next to him, the smell of strong coffee and quiet laughter.

Magnus closed his eyes again, fighting the urge to hit something. Preferably his head on the wall.

The quiet morning continued and Magnus refused to go back into his bedroom, not wanting to see the person there. (Oh and how weird was that. Wasn’t he why this mess started?)

Magnus tried to sketch some designs, but most ended up in the trash when their coloration continued to eat away at Magnus’ heart. Black and blue. So much black and blue.

“You look like shit.” Magnus jumped and looked at the other male. Was there really a time when he thought he was the most beautiful person on the planet?

“Well then it’s good that I’m not the one getting photographed today.” He watched as the blond man shrugged, closing his brown eyes and turned away to follow his own routine. He never asked. (Did he even care?)

He was about to run his fingers through his hair again before stopping himself. _Stop it, it’s bad for your hair and you’ll mess it up._ A tiny smile appeared as Magnus remembered an argument like that. It wasn’t a serious one and Magnus could still hear the quiet chuckle in his ear.

“What’s this?” The question snapped him out of the pleasant daydream as his eyes followed the other male. He was holding a notebook in one hand.

“That’s Alec’s. Must have left it here before…” Magnus stood up, trying to retrieve it, as the other male opened the small book and chuckled. “What are you doing? That’s his and he wouldn’t appreciate you looking.”

“Well he’s not here anymore, is he? And I doubt he’ll come back for it, so…” He turned another page and Magnus glared. If looks could kill… He walked up and snatched the small book away.

“What the fuck, don’t pry!” He was holding onto the book tightly now as his boyfriend looked at him, raising an eyebrow.

“Why do you care?”

Magnus’ lips made a thin line. “Because I would hate it if someone looked at my stuff. Now aren’t you late?” He was hoping to get rid of his boyfriend now. Something so simple had managed to make him so mad. The other male just raised an eyebrow and smirked shrugging. He quickly wrapped his hands around Magnus and leaned in for a kiss. As their lips touched Magnus couldn’t help but think how wrong this kiss was. It was fast and demanding and cold. He craved for other lips that always made their kisses soft but needy, always asking for more, sometimes even nervous. And warm, those kisses were always so warm.

Magnus waited for his boyfriend to leave before opening the small book. It was full of text that was written in a painfully familiar handwriting. He read a few snippets marveling at how talented the younger man is. Some of the writing was more of a diary entry than anything and so many of those were about Magnus.

The male bit his lip as he kept listing through the small book. His eyes caught a drawing and he looked at it. He remembered how he caught Alec writing and snatched the book away, turned to a random blank page and drew Alec. It was only a sketch, but he managed to catch the younger male’s most prominent features – happy blue eyes and a shy smile.  

Magnus buried his face in his hands again, the small book falling to the ground. This was complete torture. Torture that he deserved. And he couldn’t stop the memories from flooding his mind. How Alec had helped him after he got disgustingly drunk after getting dumped. How adorable he looked with a blush on his face as Magnus asked him out on a date. And how shy he was when they first kissed. Alec had told Magnus how inexperienced he was and Magnus was reluctant to believe at first because nothing could compare to Alec’s kisses. They were so shy but so needy and always asking for more, like he couldn’t help himself. Only Alec’s kisses ever made Magnus weak in the knees. The boy had such a strong impact on him it wasn’t even funny.

Magnus remembered his strong embrace and the shy smile that would sometimes grow into a grin that lit up his whole face. He remembered how passionate Alec was about books and how the usually quiet boy could talk about them for hours and how Magnus would listen, not to be polite, but because he was actually interested.

The man groaned as other memories flooded his mind. How those happy blue eyes clouded over once he saw Magnus in another man’s embrace. And Magnus could swear he could see the boy’s heart breaking through his eyes as the blond told him off. “ _You think he’d ever seriously go for you? Please. He only played with you to get back with me. And now you’re no longer needed_.” Alec looked at Magnus the whole time, begging for Magnus to tell him it wasn’t true. That the blond was just some random jerk ex and he was trying to break them up. Blue eyes searched green ones but they couldn’t find the answer they wanted.

Magnus couldn’t even look at Alec after that, his eyes only snapped up as he heard the hurt in the boy’s voice. “ _I hate you! How could you do that to me? You used me!_ ” The voice rang in his ears again and again and all Magnus could see were hurt blue eyes. A sob broke through and he realized he could feel tears on his face and hands.

He hurt him. He hurt his angel so, so bad. Magnus hated himself for causing such pain to someone so kind. He tried to steady himself with deep breaths and with shaking hands he picked up the black notebook and a pen. _I’m sorry_. The words kept appearing on the page over and over again as his tears stained the once white paper. Once the page was full Magnus closed the book and hugged it to his chest laying back on the couch letting himself cry.


	2. Pandora's Box

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec decided that he could name the notebook Pandora’s Box. It was calling him, inviting to take a look inside. But he knew that as soon as he opened it, there would be more hurt released than it was worth it. 
> 
>  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m actually done with part two, wow!  
> That totally didn’t take forever, right?
> 
> I’m pretty sure this still counts as angst. Oh well. At least it’s Malec.

 

He sat quietly watching the world around him. The smell of fresh coffee and the sounds of  people rushing around him calming his racing mind. Maybe Isabelle was right and it was a good idea for him to get out of the house. He kept telling himself that that was the reason why Izzy kicked him out of their apartment for a few hours. He needed a new notebook anyways. But he still didn’t move, finding the atmosphere around him comfortable.

Usually Alec would be writing in a place like this. But it’s been a month since he wrote a word, his mind racing a million miles a minute, never stopping in one place long enough. He left his favorite notebook at Magnus’ place anyways, there was no way he was going back to retrieve it. It hurt enough the first time when he found out Magnus had used him, he didn’t want a repeat of that.

Closing his eyes Alec sighed and rubbed his temple, feeling his headache returning. The coffee in front of him was cold by now and the boy contemplated getting another cup to keep himself warm. He glanced around the cafe from his table and freezed when he saw who just walked in. Out of all the cafes in the city he chose this one, exactly when Alec was there? Life was cruel.

It didn’t look like Magnus noticed him yet, or maybe he was just ignoring him. Alec looked at him, which was probably a bad idea, it would hurt more if he saw that Magnus was happy, but he couldn’t help it. His usual colorful outfit was replaced by dark colors, shades of black and grey. The tall man was texting someone, his lips sealed tight in a frown, eyes hidden by the sunglasses though there was no sun outside.   
  
Alec looked down, trying to hide, hoping that Magnus wouldn’t decide to come over and talk to him, not sure he’d be able to take it. It didn’t work. From the corner of his eye Alec saw Magnus turn in his direction and freeze. He seemed to hesitate a second or two but eventually took a step. And another one. Soon he was standing right next to Alec’s table, but the writer didn’t turn to him. He didn’t want to look at Magnus and get made fun of for believing him.

Magnus hesitated again (since when did he hesitate anyways?) but eventually pulled something out of his coat pocket and put it in front of Alec. The boy’s eyes widened, seeing his favorite notebook. It didn’t make sense and Alec resisted the urge to look at Magnus. It still hurt.

The taller man seemed to contemplate something before taking a breath and speaking softly.

“Alexander.” _Don’t call me that._ Alec wanted to plead but bit his lip to stay quiet as Magnus continued. “I know that’s important to you and I want you to have it back.” His voice seemed so quiet, Alec gripped the table, looking at his fingers, concentrating on them so he wouldn’t turn to his ex. “You probably don’t want to hear it, but I regret what happened. I know I have no right to say this, but I miss you. And I want to make this right. If you ever feel that you could forgive me, or even just talk about it really.” He took an uneven breath as Alec closed his eyes. “Just...please?”  A few moments passed and when he opened his eyes Magnus was already walking away and Alec dared to watch his retreating form as he walked through the door and disappeared into the busy street.  
  
The writer let out a heavy breath and leaned on the table, face in his hands, trying to hide from the world. If his mind had calmed before, Magnus had kicked it back into overdrive. Alec frowned and raked his fingers through his hair as blue eyes settled on the little book in front of him. It seemed to be more worn than he remembered, but the black cover was familiar and comforting. He didn’t dare to open it, knowing what he had written inside. Alec didn’t want to relive that right after meeting Magnus, he was already confused enough.  
  
The cafe had lost it’s comfortable atmosphere and all Alec wanted to do was get out, walk somewhere, keep moving so his mind doesn’t wander into what if’s and maybe’s. He had a fleeting thought to leave the notebook behind, but pocketed it a moment after, not daring to leave something so personal behind. Walking out of the small shop he turned a random direction and kept walking, taking in his surroundings, but no destination in mind.

His walk didn’t help. Alec kept thinking about Magnus and what happened between them. It was a short relationship, if you dare to even call it that, but Alec enjoyed every minute of it. He thought that Magnus did too, he seemed so light and happy whenever Alec talked to him and his smile always made him forget about the outside world. The happy memory almost made the boy smile. Almost.

Because then he remembered going to pick Magnus up at his place and seeing him with another man. And having it confirmed that someone he started trusting so much was just playing with him. It wasn’t the man’s words that wounded him the most, it was the way Magnus didn’t deny them and stayed quiet the whole time, the way he couldn’t even look him in the eye until it was too late. Alec took deep breaths trying to control his emotions. It still hurt, the wound only a month old and just reopened by the person who inflicted it. He knew he didn’t love Magnus. But there was a connection between them and, Alec assumed there was trust. Apparently he’d been wrong. 

Snapping out of his thoughts Alec looked around and frowned. He knew the direction he was taking, it was too familiar, knew that if he kept walking down this street and then take one turn to the left he’d be standing right in front of Magnus’ building. Cursing himself the boy turned and took a long walk home.

* * *

 

Alec decided that he could name the notebook Pandora’s Box. It was calling him, inviting to take a look inside. But he knew that as soon as he opened it, there would be more hurt released than it was worth it. So he kept away from it, kept the cursed thing on the table in his room while he read on his bed. Well he tried to read but was too distracted. Alec kept looking back at the book, curiosity raging in his mind.

It looked way more worn down than he remembered. Did that mean that Magnus touched it a lot? Did he open and read it, too? Alec didn’t mind the reading part, Magnus often sat right behind him as he wrote, sometimes reading over his shoulder. And though usually it upset Alec when someone did that, he didn’t mind Magnus’ attention much. It was comfortable.

What he was curious about was if Magnus did anything to it while it was in his possession. Maybe write a few snide comments here and there? Or rip out a page or two? Maybe he drew in it like he did that one time?

Alec sighed and put a pillow over his head. He contemplated cursing into it too but decided that it wouldn’t help much. _To hell with it_. The boy decided with a curse and walked to his desk, taking the small book. If he looks and it hurts more he can just spend the next day in his room contemplating his life choices and then burn the damned thing if he’s feeling spiteful.   
  
Slowly opening the book Alec turned the pages one by one looking for _something_ , memories flooding him as he sat back down on his bed. He looked over the texts, some were like a diary entry, others were just random thoughts he seemed to have. He kept turning the pages, reliving the bittersweet memories of his time with Magnus, reopening the wound. One page in the back seemed to stand out though Alec still hadn’t gotten to it. It looked ruined and the pages kept turning to it like it was open often. The writer didn’t remember doing anything to the book that could have caused this. Alec pursed his lips and turned the pages, opening the ones that stuck out. He let out a breath looking over the ruined (and yes, they were ruined) pages.

The pages were worn and crumpled, like they had been touched a lot. The paper was filled with “I’m sorry”’s, overlapping one another, staring right at Alec. It looked like the pages had been wet at some point, the ink smudged, the paper itself crumpled in a way that only water did it. Alec took a moment to just stare at what he was seeing. It was obviously Magnus who did this, Alec had seen his handwriting and it stood out even if the words were messed up in one pile. Taking a calming breath Alec closed his eyes and bit his lip. He couldn’t think, all he could see were the words on the crumpled paper, written in a moment of pure emotion and his heart stuttered in his chest. For the first time Alec let himself think that maybe Magnus really did regret what he did. And maybe he really did want to make this right.

Taking a shuddering breath Alec opened his eyes to look at the notebook again, almost expecting the pages to disappear. This was cruel. The boy pursed his lips and ran a hand through his hair turning a few pages of the book with his other one.

This was confusing. Alec didn’t know what to do. He hated not knowing what to do. Control has always been a part of his life, but ever since Magnus appeared it seemed to have gone out the window. Ever since he helped Magnus that night he lost control of his thoughts and reactions. He lost control of his emotions. Alec smiled bitterly at that. Because he would be lying if he said that that hadn’t been the most fun he had in his life. The older man had given Alec that, the joy of living in the moment, not knowing what will come and having no control over it.

And Alec enjoyed every second of it, breaking away from his old shell, he knew that now nothing would go back to normal and he didn’t want it to.

Alec stood with resolve. Maybe that’s what he had to do right now, just live in the moment, see what happens. And right now he wanted to see Magnus, to talk to him.

* * *

 

He knew the way perfectly but the trip to Magnus’ apartment seemed to last forever, but Alec didn’t want to think about it, he just wanted to see the man and get this over with. He only noticed how late it was when he was standing next to the front door of the building. Alec fought that small smile that wanted to stretch on his lips because he knew that Magnus would still be awake. With a steadying breath he pressed the small button and waited.   
  
“Yes?” Came the familiar voice through the speaker. It almost left Alec breathless and he had to remember to reply before it was too late.   
“It’s me. You said you wanted to talk.” There was a quiet pause on the other end and Alec wondered if Magnus changed his mind and didn’t want to do this after all. But before he could panic the door buzzed open and he was climbing the stairs. Magnus was already waiting for him, the door open. He looked mostly surprised and unsure. As Alec walked closer to him he started noticing the little details. The disheveled hair that was down, it looked like he was running his fingers through it, the barely there makeup, he was slouching slightly, like there was a heavy weight on his shoulders, the hands crossed over his chest, not in a defensive position, but like he was holding himself together, his nails sinking into the dark sweater he was wearing. Alec’s sweater. He still hadn’t looked him in the eye when Magnus turned wordlessly and went back into the apartment, leaving the door open for Alec to follow. He did.

Walking through the rooms he felt somewhat uncomfortable, like he didn’t know what to do. Pursing his lips Alec walked into the living room just to see Magnus picking up a glass of liquor that he probably left before opening the door. Alec watched him take a sip and walked closer questioning for the first time if this was a right time to do this.   
“Maybe we shouldn’t do this tonight…” He couldn’t help but voice looking pointedly at The glass in Magnus’ hand. “Maybe I should just...”  
“No!” Magnus didn’t even let him finish, stepping closer and raising his empty hand as if trying to physically stop Alec from leaving. “I’m fine, it’s my first glass, I swear. Just… please don’t leave?” He finally looked Alec in the eye and the younger boy could see all the doubt in his eyes now, he almost seemed scared. All Alec could do was sigh and step closer, showing that he won’t leave. He bit his lip and looked around, not entirely sure of what to say, the awkward silence seemed to stretch for too long. What did he want to know? What would they talk about anyways? Right now Alec was regretting the decision to just fuck it and try. What was the point of him being here if he stayed quiet anyways?

“Look, Alec. I know words can’t atone for what I did. And you probably don’t want to hear this. But I am sorry for what I did. And if you give me a chance I’ll prove it any way I can.” Magnus looked like he would have said more but he pursed his lips and stayed quiet, watching Alec take in the words. He seemed to consider what he heard for a second before locking his eyes to Magnus’ green ones.   
“How do I know that you’re not lying again?”  
“Technically I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell y-”  
“Magnus.”  
“Because this time all the power is in your hands. Because I’m the one asking for a second chance. Because you see right through me.” He cut himself off for the second time and waited for Alec to say something, he really was giving him all the power in this. It almost made the younger boy laugh.  
“Were you happy when he came to see you? When your plan worked?” Alec couldn’t help but ask. It would hurt regardless of what answer Magnus gave but he still kept his gaze steady on the taller man who seemed to stiffen at the questions but he didn’t hesitate in answering, a soft “Yes.” ringing louder than anything else would have. Alec tilted his head at that.

“What made you change your mind? If you were willing to do something like this for him…” He let the sentence die out, no need to finish it for Magnus to understand. The taller man bit his lip and went to sit on the sofa, pulling his knees close to him and Alec couldn’t help but follow, still watching him. When Magnus looked at him again it was an unguarded look, one that Alec had only glimpsed before.

“I realized something I haven’t before. How lonely I felt with him. And then I remembered how it felt with you and how I could actually talk to you about things that mattered and well.. It made me realize that what I had with him was crap compared to you.” He didn’t look away from Alec as he talked, resting his chin on his knees when he was done, waiting for Alec’s reaction or another question. He would have looked distracted because of how he kept playing with his fingers but Alec knew he had all of Magnus’ attention on him and he blushed involuntarily feeling that steady gaze studying him as he regarded the older boy’s words. Alec sighed and ran a hand through his hair. His mind was going in circles not knowing what to think. There were still questions in his mind that he was scared to hear answers to. But he couldn’t stop here, he needed to know everything at this point. Slowly opening his eyes he wasn’t surprised that Magnus hadn’t looked away.

“Was any of what we had true? Or was it all just a lie and now you’re just feeling guilty about hurting me?” He didn’t dare to look at the taller man now, hurt evident in his voice, he bit his lip to stop himself from asking more. The boy heard Magnus take in  a sharp breath and he was moving, turning to Alec and sitting on his knees on the sofa, taking Alec’s hand in his hesitantly.   
“Alec, please look at me.” He breathed softly and waited for the younger boy to comply before speaking again. “Don’t ever doubt that I loved every second of being with you.” He was gripping Alec’s hand tightly now, his eyes open and honest, taking the boy’s breath away. He didn’t have any time to respond to that because Magnus continued. “If anything was true when we were together it was how happy I was with you and how much I loved spending all my free time in your company and everything we did together.” He kept rambling as Alec looked at him as his eyes softened and a small smile appeared on his lips. Just watching Magnus like this was something else, he seemed so different than what Alec knew of him, he couldn’t help but feel happiness creeping back into him.

Alec gripped Magnus’ hand softly, it felt good to touch him, even if all they were doing was holding hands. As if only realizing what he had done Magnus looked at their linked hands and pursed his lips growing quiet. After a second of silence he looked back at Alec hesitantly, unsure and the younger boy sighed softly.

“Where do we go from here?” He wasn’t sure if he wanted an answer and didn’t know if Magnus could give him one. The older man just shrugged and shook his head slowly.

“Wherever you want. You decide.”

Alec really didn’t know what he wanted. Magnus had hurt him, but he had also given him one of the best experiences in life. And Alec didn’t want to let that go, he didn’t want to let Magnus go. It was tearing his head apart. Slowly closing his eyes he leaned his head back, trying to calm his racing mind. He made no move to remove his hand from Magnus’ and neither did the other boy and so far he was content with that.

The boy was beginning to relax in the quiet presence when a weight on his lap startled him. Opening his eyes and looking down at the sudden intruder he smiled at the small cat looking back up at him expectantly. Chairman Meow meowed softly and continued purring, putting his front paws on Alec’s chest, leaning into the boy. Alec giggled and pet the small cat with his free hand earning a louder meow and a head bump from the small kitten. Magnus watched them with a soft smile.

“Looks like someone else missed you too.”


End file.
